Are people on LinkedIn OK?

Stephen Price

"We had such an AMAZING day at the training conference today..."

"SO THRILLED TO BE NAMED THE BEST IN REGION AT THE..."

"Feeling motivated after dropping off 15 selection boxes at the children's hospital this week and spending an entire day with such INSPIRING staff and children.."

"Honoured to be named among the UK's best LGBTQI + sustainable creatives..."

Thankfully, there is no need to be alarmed, and you've not somehow ended up on LinkedIn by mistake, but for all those whose who have unfortunately stuck around on the site for normal people with normal jobs for long enough, then you'll know just how excruciatingly painful the platform is, and more to the point, how nauseating the people on there are.

The worst site on the entirety of the internet (outside of the dark web.. maybe) populated by the worst type of person you ever worked with who spent more time talking or putting up walls than actually working? That's the one.

Let's face it - most of us are on LinkedIn to 'keep our options open', like the partnered folk on Grindr and Tinder "looking for friends", sending a pic of their nether regions before they've even introduced themselves.

In the same way dating apps have made us all think 'there must be better out there', LinkedIn is often our first hint at being 'up for it' so to speak.

And judging by the numbers of female friends I have who get added by men they've yet to meet who 'liked their picture' then up for it they are.

A cursory glance at the site today, and it's silver awards for 'Best Improvement of a Measurement Journey' (seriously, what the?), someone 'super grateful' for being given some flowers by a boss, and another person who I have absolutely no idea why they're in my feed being recognised as a 'Top Ten Trailblazing Entrepreneur' and much delight, participation, buzz word, total wankery and humble boasting.

So what of the example quotes above...

Has anyone who doesn't need psychiatric help REALLY ever enjoyed a conference? One of any description? Ever?

Do people enjoy a team building day? Are they really in need of a stretching session and some bean bags thrown amongst colleagues?

As for the award wins - I've worked in finance, I have estate agent friends (yes, they're horrible people, that's why I like them), and we've all been forced to apply for awards in our time.

In my PR role for a building society ('one of Wales' largest' don't you know, since we weren't the actual largest), I applied for financial awards no less than three times, and each time it was made pretty clear to me that, should we book a nice big table, we'd be successful.

So, when you see an estate agent, or a florist, or whatever it might be, coming away with an award, just be sure to congratulate them on booking a table.

And remember - only they care. Remind them of that.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!"

My absolute favourite job ever besides this one, ahem, (boss is watching) was working for a charity based in Cardiff. I left for a variety of reasons, but one has to have been the constant, and always meant 'we're so grateful, we're so thrilled...' that comes along with writing copy for a charity.

Up to my eyes in the work of an entire marketing department, my one-man solo team often had to meet with corporates who had us as their 'Charity of the Year' or whatnot.

Decent folk, well-meaning, well dressed, functional and all that, but their goal was, of course, to be seen to perform their 'corporate social responsibility'.

Again, it's a balance, they scratched our backs, we did some social media and photo opps, everyone is smiling. Happy days. But each and every time felt more exhausting and draining than the last...

That fine line and balance must always be walked, of course, and long may companies continue to give back, but besides the cheques and the fun of the Cardiff Half and all that, there was an undeniable touch of slime sometimes. And often from those giving the least, but expecting the most.

So yes, we loved the selection boxes, but also, sod off and come back with money next time.

In fact, please, that is an appeal to anyone this Christmas - forget the toy appeals and chocolates - charities are inundated with 'stuff', the children already have loads, trust me (and what you give tends to be crap) - give money, it really is what charities want and need.

Fake friends

Before I made the leap to the charity sector from finance (it was that or boil my head), I added a host of random people to my LinkedIn that might look good as connections that I had absolutely never met or even corresponded with.

Joking with my colleagues, I kept giving a tally of the latest number - the more I added, the stronger I hoped I'd look to future employers who might be checking me out.

And it worked. I was stalked. I saw the imprint left behind.. suckers!

I also called a friend out a few months back for one of the creepiest posts I'd ever seen on there about a training conference she'd had to attend, and was told that her line manager actually pestered her and the team to write something.

It felt inauthentic, performative and inhuman. But that's the currency of LinkedIn and many workplaces of today - bullshit.

In too many environments now, from LinkedIn to every workplace in the land, there's more power in projecting an image of yourself as the perfect worker than actually being one; where corporate-speak, over-planning and strategy matter more than putting your head down and working like an ox.

Just like the dating pools of Grindr and Tinder, I can guarantee you the best folk are the ones that aren't constantly 'smashing it' on LinkedIn.

The ones with genuine humanity that are actually hard at it out in the real world.

There are still some good ones left, I'm told.